things done changed, the remix

I'm royally f%^&ed now.

JC called, and explained that he was busy with work, and couldn't make it...blah...blah...blah. I listened to his explanation, didn't blow my top. He said he'd left a message on my voicemail well before the graduation time, so I could make other arrangements, and let the chaos know what was up. I'd already checked my voicemail, and there were no new messages. He seemed sincerely confused, because he was positive he'd left a message, and wanted to know if I hadn't received it, who did? I told him he may be sure he left it, but I'm also sure I didn't get it. We didn't argue, but there was defintely tension there...we hung up & told each other we'd talk later.

I told the chaos that I had a message for her from JC that he wanted her to know about the whole thing. Her reply: "I already heard it." WHAT???!!!! "Yeah, he left a message on your voicemail while I had your cell phone, and I saved it for you. You heard it right?" Uh, well no. "Yeah, I figured you'd check it when I gave you the phone back, so I saved it for you."

Now here's the cute part. My voicemail saves messages in chronological order, oldest to newest. So when I'd checked it, the message from JC was last. Since I didn't have any new messages, and his voice wasn't the first I'd heard, I didn't listen to them all until after this conversation. There was his voice, sweetly explaining that he had to go out of town on business, would be gone for a few days, apologizing for missing the event, and promising that he'd make it up to both of us. I am such an a$$.

Here's the best part: JC and I'd already been slightly divided on the honesty issue. If that weren't enough, now this. I apologized to him via voicemail, and he called me while I was at a dr's appointment for booman and I apologized again. I told him I felt that we (JC & I ) were as distant emotionally as I ever wanted to be, and that I thought we needed some quality time when he gets back in town. His reply: "You need to focus on your little man right now, and I still have this work to finish. I'll holla at you later."

Yes, I'm probably paranoid. But I feel as if we're drifting apart...no that's not accurate. I feel as if I'm pushing him away with my lack of trust. He asked me a few days ago if I'd ever sabotaged a relationship. Have I??? HELL YEAH!!!! which is exactly why I'm freaking out now. He's a good man, and I said I was going to give him belief. I did ( a little ) but as soon as it hit the fan, belief when out the window. I hope I haven't lost him with it.